People are hard for me to process. They are full of isms and angst-y things. A lot of my days lately have been spent trying not to relive past traumas. It is no easy feat.
Today I made a mistake at work. I made this mistake because I wanted to avoid confrontation with a very difficult man. It was an automatic response for me because for much of my life I learned to avoid conflict, because conflict in my home often meant trauma. There was always a crisis at every turn and I was dubbed the cause whether that actually held truth or not.
I made this mistake with this really difficult person as an automatic response that I learned very young to protect myself.
In doing so my boss became upset and immediately reprimanded me, rather sharply in the middle of the office. There wasn’t any screaming or anything like that but the reprimand was harsh and I felt humiliated for making such a dumb mistake. Or rather…I went down a shame spiral. Of course I could not explain that to my boss and so I was left feeling ashamed and humiliated. I went to the bathroom to collect myself because my anxiety and feelings of shame and guilt became overwhelming.
I say I only fell apart a little bit because there wasn’t a full on attack and I was able to pull myself OUT of my shame spiral and to overcome the anxiety.
It still leaves me feeling depressed. That’s kind of how I have been this month. Moody and depressed. There are things coming up and things past (Mother’s Day) that are just hard for me to take. I know, this too shall pass. Even though I am tender, vulnerable and raw, I continue on with counseling to rewrite my brain patterns into something more positive and to stop avoiding the issues that surround the disorders I have. I believe they can be better managed if the issues are dealt with. Duh right?
Since the day was kind of shitty and people were harsh I decided to take tiny dog for a walk in sunshine before it rained on us.
He had a pretty fabulous time and it was nice to walk in the sunshine and see his happy little dog smile. 🙂
Thanks for listening.
Be well. ❤