Mother’s Day

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Mom and baby me.

After my parents divorced my mother fell into alcoholism heavily. She moved me far away from my dad. There was a lot of trauma after that and my disorders are a result.

In therapy my counselor and I discussed some of my childhood and the adults I was often surrounded by. We discussed the issues they had and how my little kid brain could not process those adult things. Now that I am an adult, I am able to understand that adulthood is often messy. Those adults had their own issues and instead of shielding me from it, I bore witness to it. This doesn’t make them buttholes, it just makes them messy humans.

Looking at this through the eyes of an adult allowed me to take the first step in forgiving them. It was a small but giant step for me simultaneously.

A small step because I still harbor some anger and resentment, especially for the fact that I now have a plethora of emotional issues that I must work through and manage on a day to day basis. A giant step because forgiveness means letting go, understanding and looking at the situation with compassion. (Sometimes that’s a horse pill to swallow and I’m not good at swallowing pills.) For the first time in my life I looked at the situation detached and with compassion.

This is my second Mother’s Day since my mom passed. There was no closure for me  before her death as we had not spoken in close to two years.

Mother’s Day leaves me caught between missing my mother (because no matter what, she was still my mom) and dealing with the issues I am left with on top of grief.

My saving is grace is therapy. I am working through all the issues and I have tools to help me cope. I also have an amazing husband who is comforting. When I say I can’t do it, he says that is fine and I don’t have to explain why.

Healing is hard work but I know its worth it, even through the hard days.

Thanks for listening.

Be well. ❤

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