The frustration of trying

Frustrated drawing on Sunday resulted in me giving up on trying to learn from a book and just doing my own thing. I’m not saying it’s good, seems pretty badly drawn but it’s mine!  The important part is it opened up the creative part of me, something that will be very important in the coming months.

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Now it’s time to shower and go to the day job.

 

Let’s not talk about the sad stuff

Let’s talk about yoga instead…and how I need to start drawing and doodling again, maybe making this an art blog again?

The sad stuff is just too personal. I’m not really comfortable publicly displaying it and let’s face it no one wants to hear that crap. I don’t want to be Captain Bring Down either.😛

So…I’ll talk about instead…the #mayibeginyogachallenge2016.

Yoga isn’t really about whether or not you are good at it. It’s not a competitive thing. It’s a get down into your body and breath kind of thing.

I have limited flexibility. I am not a bendy human. I assure you I wish I was as graceful and flexible as those yogi’s I follow but it will take years of practice and I may still never be THAT flexible.

So here’s a few of the days and poses I did.

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Lola was surprisingly pretty good but pretty much always present. But what’s a yoga practice without a couple of dogs hanging out?😉

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Things that happen to humans

Wednesday it started with a scratchy throat and then it turned into a fever, which got worse in counseling because it was a pretty intense session.

She said I have the tools now and it’s time we talk about my mom and all the very bad things that happened to me because it’s time to heal.

BIG GIANT INHALE, BIG GIANT EXHALE because this is hard.

My homework is to rewrite the tapes in my head to say good things, not all this bull pie I’ve been telling myself for years.

And to write down three things I’m grateful for each day. Studies show that this is helpful to people who are healing or something like that. It can’t hurt to try.

I’m also to write a story…Once upon a time there was a girl named Amber…and recount the experiences I’ve had, what I’ve learned from them in regard to my mother and upbringing. I didn’t realize how much I had buried until we starting discussing my feelings about Mother’s Day and this river of tears let loose. She said…I have a brilliance, a light, that could never be squashed and that is how I have survived. This isn’t the first time (and probably not the last time) I’ve heard this. She said…we don’t know what I’m meant for yet (and we may never) but we are certainly going to try to find out. There’s a reason and purpose to everything that’s happened and she promises I will find peace and happiness.

So the scratchy throat and fever led to a what I call a NyQuil bender and lying in bed from Friday until Sunday. I ate a bit, used the loo, and finished “Luther,” “The Fall,” and started “Happy Valley.” I’ve watched so much British television the accent sounds normal to me now.

I’ve been on the birth control pill for two months now. This month I’ve gotten bad acne, been nauseous every single, blessed day, lost my appetite, gained weight (yeah I’m not sure either) been bloated, the whole month. I got up this morning and decided I’m done with this pill, we’ll see if a lower dose of the hormone agrees with my body.  I’ve been having a tingling/numbing sensation in my left leg and foot, so I called the nurse and she told me to go to the ER. I was at work. It wasn’t a severe feeling. I spent $60 dollars at urgent care for the doctor to tell me I have a Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome  thing going on in my ankle, tweaking the nerves, physical therapy is recommended. At least I don’t have a blood clot.😀

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Dissaffection of death

Last December my mom passed away. While this is a very hard thing on its own it was a different experience for me. This death was not sudden but a long-awaited event. Nonetheless hearing the words that she passed still knocked the wind out me. For awhile I thought her passing may give me some relief. A release from all the trauma I endured while under her care. I cried for a brief moment and had other moments where there were a few tears but for the most part I was calm. Being sad about this was (and still is) difficult for me. Everyone at work, friends, family all offered their condolences because that is what you do in these situations…I felt weird because I didn’t feel sorry. I mean, she was sick with something that could have been prevented, we had a very strained relationship at best and estranged for two years.  I wasn’t really sure how to feel.  I felt guilt for not feeling sorry enough. This was my mom after all. The woman who brought me into this world, gave me life.

I live out-of-state so I flew back to help my brother. My mom had nothing, wasn’t a good planner and left nothing in place to handle her affairs. There was a lot of figure out.  Little brother handled most of it and so I went to give him support and for what needed to be done at his request. I remained calm and rather upbeat and carried around the guilt of not feeling sorry enough with me for the duration of my trip.  When I returned home I thought after the whirl wind of events I would unravel but after days it still did not happen.

And then it did though it wasn’t a tornado more like a tropical storm.

I was ill-equipped to deal with her death. I wasn’t equipped because I was so angry there wasn’t room for grief or forgiveness..it turns out that my issues have issues and well there’s a lot of shit to sort through. I’m working on it. I’m unraveling and deconstructing what I learned as a child and rebuilding myself as an adult. I’m learning how much a childhood affects what we carry into adulthood and what we become and how much work it can be to undo the damage and reshape the ourselves into the person we want to be.

I’m fortunate in some ways because I did not succumb to the same addictions as my mother and many of my other family members that ultimately was their total undoing. It sets me apart in that I don’t have those issues to contend with. But there are other issues I have that have impacted my life and made it for the most part very hard and mostly a struggle (even as I struggle to get out of the struggle, I assure you the struggle is real!) I can’t describe how tired I am. Day by day exhaustion that leaves me burned out and ready to give up. I imagine had my childhood been different I might have had an easier life, one that was funcationable like so many other people I know…

but that isn’t how it went and I can’t change that. I can only move forward. Adapt to the changes I’m inacting. (Because change is very difficult for me believe it or not.)

My saving grace?  The fortitude to carry on realizing what I need to change and the power to do it.

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Mother’s Day estrangement

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Mother’s Day, which has always been hard, was a bit more difficult this year. There is a vast difference between being estranged from a parent and her not being here at all.

And that is just the way things are I guess.

I didn’t know how to deal with it this year. Too much was bubbling to the surface that as the day approached I had anxiety. I stood in our small apartment kitchen and told my husband…

“I can’t do Mother’s Day this year. I just can’t.” And he said that was okay.

I chose to ignore the day. I called no one. I asked the husband to call on our behalf instead because I could not bring myself to do it.

I took the Lola beast to the dog park and I listened as a young woman talked about her divorce to a military husband that lost his mind and a Vietnam vet who talked about PTSD and the role trauma plays in our lives while our dogs played around our feet.

I came home with a tired pup and laid around binge watching “Broadchurch” and “Luther” on Netflix. I made food and tea and I looked out the window and I briefly thought that my mother was simply a blip on the radar screen of life and then simply not there, returned to the stars and with her she took all the chances that were possible to make amends.

There was nothing I could about that.

I avoided social media altogether because seeing happy children and their mothers was not what I wanted to see.

I made ONE text message to the ONE woman who was and has always been a mother to me. Even that was hard but soul warming at the same time because I know she has always tried her best and has always been there for me (even when I was shit) because that is what a mother does. And she returned my text with warm love. So for that I am thankful.

This thing, this journey I’m on is probably one of the hardest I’ve had to take. I have no idea what I’ll be like when I come out. I have no idea what my feelings about my mother will be like. The hope is that I will reach a place of forgiveness not only for her but for myself as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Approval means I’m good enough right?

I have had an a-line bob or shorter for the probably the last 20 years or so.

I abhor long hair.

When I see long hair all that I can think of is, yes it may look gorgeous, but the weight, the care, the maintenance. (This might also have to do with the fact that until I was into adulthood I had hair down to my butt (mother’s doing) and then waist length because I was shy and introverted and highly sensitive so I hid behind my curtain of locks.)

My hair is THICK, it’s wavy, it does things in all the places I don’t want it to so when I reached my 20’s I chopped ALL that stuff off into a bob.

Dude.

I love my bob! It became my thing, my signature. It’s easy to care for, it behaves most days, it’s not heavy, it’s bouncy and healthy. WIN!

Butttt…..people bugged me for a long time to grow it. And I convinced myself to do that. “Oh it will be easier to do, blah blah blah.”

Whatever I needed to justify it because essentially it didn’t come down to what some would say was my inability to commit to something (growing my hair) but rather I learned it came down to approval and feeling like I was good enough.

Hmm…hair…such a simple thing.

SO.

I spent roughly a year growing it out form a cute a-line bob.

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(I know for some that isn’t long but it is when your hair hasn’t touched your shoulders in 20 years it feels that way! haha!)

It was annoying. I couldn’t do anything with it! It was stringy, and heavy and it took forever to actually do in the mornings. So most days I wore ridiculous knobbies….

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Or pigtails…

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Or tried that messy top knot business…(which was mostly a top knot fail.)

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So as I go through this deconstructing of myself, getting rid of what I don’t like and reconstructing what I LIKE about me I realized I was only growing my hair because I wanted the approval of other people because…then it means I’m good enough, right?

No. 

So I said, screw that noise and let’s welcome back my a-line bob! My signature, black, a-line bob, because it’s cute, it’s easy and I love it!  And…dammit it’s good enough because I am good enough! No approval necessary.

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Friday – what sucked, what didn’t

What sucked…

  • I had a headache so powerful it chased me home from work, directly to the couch and later into bed. Eye strain because incorrect eyeglasses.
  • I spent a boat load of money on eye glasses that I COULDN’T wear because I had to try and save money but instead SPENT more.
  • The dishwasher quit. Like that. Loaded it up, turned it on, nothing.
  • Still waiting for the dishwasher that broke on MONDAY to be fixed.
  • Doing dishes by hand sucks. Zen moment my ass. Doing dishes suck.
  • The puppy peed the floor AND was horrible pretty much all week.
  • Cold weather. It’s May. PULL IT TOGETHER NEBRASKA.
  • A tornado on 132nd Ave, while at work, had to hide out in a packed stairwell until the all clear. Had to fight anxiety because well..tight spaces with packed like sardine humans = NOT OKAY FOR ME!
  • The puppy will. not. stop. chewing.
  • I can’t budget for shit.

What didn’t…

  • Got new lenses for my glasses. I CAN SEE, LORD PRAISE JEBUS! They did not cost a boat load of money, my insurance covered the bulk of it and life is much better when one can see clearly.
  • prasiejebusThe puppy is sleeping until 5-5:30 am. A MUCH better time than 2-3 am.😀
  • Chipotle Friday. I love you.
  • Warm socks.
  • Long hair that can be pulled up into a top knot, or knobbies when the weather is being crap and it refuses to behave.
  • New shoes!
  • The husband said some really nice things to me…all about subtly and beauty and being awesome without trying.
  • Vegan cookies. Nuff’ said.
  • My awareness is growing about myself and all the bad patterns I need to rewrite into good ones.
  • Books.
  • An idea to write a book that will never see the light of day but is definitely what I need to work through some heavy issues.
  • Realizing budgeting is a work in progress for me and part of the rewriting bad patterns into healthy, good ones.

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Here’s a picture of Miss Sass Mouf that I posted to my Instagram the other morning. Who says 5:30 am is too early for sass? /falls over.

*editors note*

Reviewing the week is not new, I’ve seen many bloggers do it. I’ve taken this model from my favorite blogger in the ENTIRE universe to help me recap my week to remind me of the good and the bad and that both are necessary (whether I like it or not haha!)