What is yoga’s presence in my life?
I had a funny feeling sitting in my chair. I wasn’t sure why until I heard the door open and looked up. Panic strutted in with a cat got the canary grin and graciously sat down next to me. He put his hand on my knee and turned his head slowly, smiling. I knew she wouldn’t be far behind, Anxiety walked in just moments after, her heels clicking against the floor in perfect rhythm. She sat down next to me as well and put an arm around my shoulder. She smiled sickly sweet. I groaned. No, no,no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, and heaved a large sigh. I’m not sure there’s enough yoga for this! They smiled and said, probably not. They told me I better get comfortable they’re going to be around awhile. I murmurred fuck and they giggled and I knew it was all over, the war between me and them was here and it was just beginning.
Tonight I gave more than I had. I got my yoga mat out and I sat down. I took one inhale and a everything began to flow out most unexpectedly. Waves surged through me and released into the ocean of my eyes, pouring like tiny waterfalls across my face, releasing with every breath, with every movement. I moved in the waves and let the ocean empty itself from me. Each movement a new wave, each breath a release. In child’s pose the waves reached the shore of my mat. In seated pose I placed my hands together in prayer touching them to my heart, I arched my neck gently back and said to a benevolent and unknown being in the sky, there is nothing left of me to give. What is there but a mere shell of my former self and an ocean of storms yet to navigate? My sail quite tattered and my compass quite cracked but still pointing, this is the way girl. A voice caught by the storm and carried on the wind echoing that I have weathered worse and this too shall pass. I carry on and wait. Wait calmer seas, for the ocean inside of me to lull and drift and wash over my sweetly. I wait for the storms to subside and pray that my compass and sail will not fail me.
In my practice I am in my San Francisco apartment. The windows are open and it is evening. The fog has rolled in and begun to lay it’s thick blanket across the city. In the distance from my balcony I can see the twinkling lights of homes peeking through the veil of fog in the hills. I am flexible and I move with ease through each pose. My breath falls soft and deep. The chilly air comes through the windows and caresses my face. The tiny dog is on the couch, flipped over and sleeping peacefully. The mat beneath my naked feet is warm and inviting to each pose my limbs form into. I am free here. I am me. I am nothing and I am everything. I am whole.
My current apartment and the community within it has to be one of the WORST I have ever lived in. Unable to break the lease we’ve endured it pretty well. We have five more weeks of this crap shack and we’re free.
The apartment building is very old so there are just some things to be expected with an old building. This isn’t a permanent stay so we just deal with it.
However, it’s one thing to put up with the age of a building, noisy neighbors outside, constant traffic noise and car alarms…it is another thing entirely when your neighbors music thumps unforgiving through the walls of your own humble abode. I like a wide range of music and appreciate it very much but I’d prefer it not come through my walls.
At one point it was going on all hours of the night. So late one night Kyle walked around the building and asked the guy nicely to please turn down (not turn off) his music.
He appeared to be drunk and with two girls surprised at the knock on the door. They apologized profusely and when Kyle came back to our apartment the idiot turned the music up louder!
We didn’t voice a complaint at the office or call the police because his aggressive behavior showed us that no reasoning would do any good and we didn’t want to live out the rest of our lease worrying about what our neighbor may do because we asked him to turn down his music.
Someone must have complained though because it stopped for a few months. Of course with holiday yesterday I was forced to listen to the thump, thump, thump through my walls. At least now he doesn’t do it in the wee hours of the night. I retreated to the bedroom with the iPad, headphones and watched a movie.
In addition to that upon first moving in I have been I have been cussed out by two neighbors, one who claimed I was letting my dog shit in front of her apartment (I wasn’t, it was the neighbor directly next to her with a dog similar to mine who would let his off leash and it would poop in front of her apartment I happened to see it one night by happenstance ) another screaming at me to get my dog away from him despite the fact that my dog was not paying attention to him OR anywhere near him AND the neighbor kept walking towards us getting closer! (Kyle saw him later a few days and said he didn’t seem quite “right” we think he had a fear of large dogs because he’s passed me several times and seems to not care about the tiny dog.)
And then there is the “nice” man next door. He once let me use his phone when I locked my keys, purse, phone AND tiny dog in the car. After that he came out yelling at the neighbors above him to “shut the f-up”, regularly gets drunk, smokes enough weed on his front stoop to put down an elephant, has brandished a very large gun openly from his bathrobe and last week he was so drunk, he fell outside and we helped carry him into his apartment (he’s disabled.)
If nothing else, I have some interesting stories to write!
The only things keeping me together these days is running and a regular yoga practice. The running controls the anxiety and the yoga helps keep me calm.
Things have been crazy hectic at work and the only thing stopping the meltdowns are keeping up with what I know works. No easy feat when I am exhausted pretty much everyday. I still have the sensation that I can’t breathe in my chest, but not full on panic attacks and I’m more relaxed and calmer than I would be if I weren’t doing what works. Beats being on medication, the reason I started running in the first place. Don’t get me started on doctors and pharmaceutical companies!
I also said to Kyle in the car…If it’s not about global warming, the environment, ethical treatment of animals, our crappy, corrupt government, it’s not my problem. Being an HSP I get caught a lot in wanting to help others when I see the patterns they are repeating again and again. It’s not my job though…to help them. It’s not my business what they are doing or how they are doing it. It’s not my problem. That might seem harsh but it’s the only way I know how not to let other people’s lives swallow me whole.
I’ve been writing in a journal again, pretty regularly. This isn’t a new concept for me but one I haven’t put into regular practice in quite a few years.
It’s been good, writing down the details of my days, organizing the contents of my head into one place that has some coherency to it. It’s helping me remember and that what I have asked the Universe for is unfolding and revealing itself to me and to trust the process.)
Some of the things I’ve been writing about are when the devil possessed me one day this week for a brief time and I turned into something that scared me. This link which started a whole thing on issues I knew I had but wasn’t aware of how they were affecting me (ahhh self awareness ain’t it grand?!) Running until I felt like I may shit myself and how much better I was when I got home from that run as my husband noted. One meltdown that resulted from exhaustion, lots of yoga and one self tarot reading that proved the Universe IS hearing me and that what I am asking for isn’t just sitting in my head.